Last Wednesday, I sat down after my three-day hiatus, having reflected, relaxed, and vigorously cleaned. I was trying to focus on “being myself”, and “getting back to my authentic self”, and working to remember what that was. I started up a new post and stared for a solid three minutes before typing “I am a hot mess”.
Yeah, I forgot to mention, in all of this planning and trying in vain to have the perfect blog, I am actually a high functioning hot mess. The past few months have been especially rough and relentless. I won’t get into detail, but I usually bounce back from my “dips” in a few weeks. This episode has been going on for a solid month and a half. My regularly scheduled “I haven’t accomplished anything in life”fit popped up right in the middle of it. In my frustration, I tried to force myself to be “productive”. I haphazardly threw everything I wanted to accomplish on my plate and prayed inspiration would give me the motivation to complete it. What I got instead was a hard burn out. Where was my motivation? Something was missing.
When I stepped back to reassess, various journal entries led me to a realization. I had made a pact to be “unapologetically me” this year ad work towards what that was. Instead, I found I was “trying” to be myself instead of just being myself. For instance, I knew I wanted to really start to promote positive mental health. So I tried to be this ultra happy, sunshiney mental health cheerleader. When I was relaying this to a friend, they laughed and said I was more “Jessica Jones, but a puppy investigator”. Another friend confirmed this description the same day my manager suggested a movie to me because it had “dark humor”.
Now the same friend who dubbed me as “puppy saving Jessica Jones” also said she enjoys that I’m not “peppy”, loves that I’m authentic, and says that conversations with me give her a sense of comfort and hope. I actually like that better than what I was trying to go for. I’m a mental health cheerleader, but the one who has black nails, dark lipstick, and insists on wearing striped socks with her uniform. That’s actually pretty badass. Being myself is a hundred times better than being what I think I need to be. I should have to “try”, especially since it’s just for appearances.
All this is to say that during this latest dip, it (re)dawned on me that “you” doesn’t have to fit some mold. You can be ultra perky and love dark colors, introverted but enjoy getting to know people. Meticulously organized, but have clothes and shoes all over your bedroom floor. You’re not just a checklist of descriptors, but a chronicle of beautiful complexities and contradictions. Embrace them~
Which ones describe you? Do you often find they contradict, and how do you embrace that?
Stay indefinable, lovelies!