A few weeks ago, I was the definition of chaos. My attention and energy were stretched thin between packing, a full-time job, and closing on an apartment. Sprinkle that with a side of my sister moving far away, maid of honor duties, and the Airbnb I had reserved for the bachelorette party suddenly canceling? I was a bit of a mess. For some reason, I decided that was the perfect time to attempt a post. What better way to get out of a funk than creativity, right? After ten minutes of staring at the blinking line to write, I asked myself “Why don’t you want to do this?”. My snap reaction surprised even me: “I hate blogging!”
Now, this is not a blog deactivation announcement. Geek Space Wine is going to be ok. I will continue blogging. I put too much work and money to just drop this, and honestly? Blogging itself isn’t so bad. Writing is fun. Expressing myself is healthy for my creative mind. So why that reaction, then? After a little soul searching, I came up with a few answers.
First, the social media. I could probably pass a class on social media management, easy. A lot of the “I hate blogging” could actually be translated into “I hate trying to follow all of the rules and keep up appearances on social media”. From my research, I realized that 80% of blogging was social media management. I hardly post on social media for myself, and any time I try to put my own face out there I have a nervous breakdown and delete everything. Obviously, my problem is much more than social media. My problem is being comfortable in my own skin and wanting to seem perfect when I am not. So until I fix my self-esteem social media and “keeping up appearances” the achieve the perfectly cohesive whatever will always feel more like a chore.
That segues into my next issue. After this soul searching I realized? I’m not a blogger. I’m a creative who happens to blog. Forcing myself to post three times a week? Was a chore. I maybe met that goal once. Putting that pressure on myself took all of the fun out of it, even though I tried to make my blogging more personal and creative centered. And honestly? While a creative outlet is nice, I realized that I don’t want to be a professional blogger, maybe ever. I adore the community and love supporting and interacting with other bloggers, but I will only be a hobby blogger. Trying to be this perfect level blogger is unrealistic anyway, but I never felt good enough because I thought I had to be at par with those who dedicated their lives to it. Some can do that, even as hobby bloggers. I have so many loves, thoguh, I could never just focus on this!
Lastly, I am ADD as hell, y’all. GSW was one of about 50 creative things I want to do, and it’s not even the thing I want to do most. It’s honestly just the thing I was least afraid of doing. As soon as it was up and running, I was drooling over the idea of all of the other projects I wanted to start. Notice I say “the idea”. ADD is mostly talked about in kids, and as a joke in adults. But adult ADD is serious and real, and takes a lot of work to overpower.
All that being said? I just need to stop taking myself so damn serious. Like, sheesh, the only person I am letting down is myself. Even worse, it’s with outlandish expectations because I want to do everything at once and have no patience for the learning curve. This blog is just one part of everything I want to do, sort of a log of my progress and journey. Instead of my blog, I needed a “blogger revamp” to get back to doing this out of love. Expecting it to be perfect was silly anyway. So the summary is I am learning! And I need to give myself the time and space to do that. In the meantime? Geek Space Wine is back in business! Thanks to everyone who encouraged me. One of my favorite parts of blogging is getting to know all the geeky blogging community.
How do you all get out of blogging funks? Do you go through “blogger revamps”? How are you, in general? Happy Monday, m’lovelies!